STAPOO

Parenting is a team work! While it might hurt you or surprise you to see your child’s partial behaviour, it is always best to keep this feeling of jealousy to yourself and discuss either with your spouse or a confidant. Before you accuse your child of being partial, make a list of the things where he listens to you and agrees with you. There are different reasons for a child to feel more comfortable and closer to one parent than the other. That reason is never love. Maybe he shares common interests with his father, he doesn’t feel judged by his father or he gets to meet his father for a lesser number of hours and therefore he chooses to utilize that time to bond with him. Nonetheless, it is better to always look at things from your child’s perspective before you conclude anything. Tell him how you feel when he disobeys you and ask him for the reasons for disobedience. If your hurt continues to increase then definitely take help from a counselor and heal yourself before it becomes a pattern in your life.

I am assuming that you & your spouse both want to work on this idea of co-parenting. Children want predictability and stability in life. You can set rules for screen time, food, personal hygiene, social media policy, friends, studies/tuitions. If there is a clash in the kind of values or belief systems you impart to the children then you need to take a step back. Both of you will have your individual influences on children & it is important that you both accept it without trying to force the child to think otherwise. Until something is abusive in nature, you cannot control the parent to influence the child. Do not badmouth one parent in front of the children. Do not pass sarcastic comments on children for learning something that you don’t approve of. Accept it and you give whatever you have to offer to the child. Children can make their own choices and it is okay what they choose.

A teenager’s mind is immature but that does not mean that they should agree with your guidance or let you make decisions on their behalf. What is unhealthy for you could be the only hope for your teenager to receive love and be accepted. It is a difficult phase for you and for your teenager also. Do not judge them for the choice they have made. Keep talking to them about their feelings of love, worries or confusion that they face when they are in a relationship. Do not jump to conclusions with them that they will be betrayed or cheated by the other person. Give them strategies to cope with the problems in a relationship & how drawing boundaries will help them gain respect in a relationship along with love. Do not tell them that you warned them and because they didn’t listen to you, they have failed and hence they are suffering. Tell them that life is full of experiences and this relationship is giving them an experience. It is not a source of confidence or social approval.

Many teenagers lack motivation because they aim for perfection and have a fear of failure or when they don’t get immediate rewards for their academic work. Do not pour out your frustration on your teenager. Avoid using negative labels like you are so lazy, you would never be able to do anything well etc. Do not compare your teenager’s work habits with your own work habits. Accept your teenager’s current level of performance. Provide them with skills but not all at once. You may start with organizational skills then time management then memorization etc. Do not lecture them about how unskilled they are. Skills will help them develop discipline. Once the discipline sets in, the child would automatically be motivated to do anything. All of these developments take time and that is why parenting is called a marathon.

Before you doubt your child’s intelligence, get his eyes & ears tested. If you still see the problem is persisting then go for a detailed educational assessment.

If you are telling your teenager that they have a problem and that is what you want a therapist to prove then obviously they will not come for therapy. Whenever you say that somebody else needs help, it shows as if you as a parent are right and they as the child are wrong. If there are frequent conflicts between you and your child and you both are not able to resolve them then you need to tell them you both need a professional to help you both learn ways to resolve conflicts and reach an agreement. This might help your teenager know that they too have a right to express themselves freely to the therapist and counseling will not be a parent-teacher meeting.

It is important to accept oneself the way we are but we all need social approval. Not receiving respect from peers can be damaging for your daughter’s self-esteem. It is important that you consult a gynecologist or a family physician and rule out PCOD. Regular exercise, good sleep, healthy diet & medicine would help your daughter regain her confidence. In the meantime, let your daughter see a therapist too. As parents, you might be encouraging her and using positive praises for her but she might be suppressing something inside her which needs to be released.

A school that is receptive to parents’ advice, keeps an open communication with the parents and involves them in policy making is a good school. A child friendly infrastructure, manageable teacher-student ratio (25/30 students in a class) & includes neurodiverse children is a good school.

It is important for you to meet a therapist and get clarity if your child is merely picking up some behaviour or the child too has a mental health condition. Stitch in time saves nine.