Become a Confidant to your Teenager

Become a Confidant to your Teenager

While the parents might think that their teenagers are fortunate to have healthy bodies, comfortable living, and so many other comforts in life, the teenager still experiences dissatisfaction in his/her life.

“What have I not given to him/her that s/he is all the time sulking, not studying, not eating, or slamming doors at me”, asks a typical parent of a typical teenager.

Adolescence is a phase of ‘Identity formation’ which takes a teenager through different phases such as an emotional roller coaster, confusion and complete chaos. In my experience of working with teenagers, I realized how their so-called illogical, risk-taking and demotivated behaviour are their ways to cope with their low self-esteem.

There are a lot of words misunderstood and even missed behind these everyday closed doors cold wars between a parent & a teenager. I play the role of bridging this communication gap. Therefore, I recently interacted with a group of parents of adolescents and asked them what helps them to have an open conversation with someone.

They shared the following traits of their confidants –

1. A curious listener, someone who wants to know about me.
2. A listener who puts my inner dialogue in an orderly fashion.
3. A calm listener whose energies calm me down.
4. A listener who doesn’t evaluate me and I don’t have to defend myself.
5. A listener I can trust, someone who can motivate me.
6. A listener who can provide a solution.
7. An objective listener and does not have any assumptions about me.
8. A listener who validates my feelings.
9. A listener with a calm voice, someone who is not in a hurry.
10. A listener who can empathize with me, someone who has gone through similar experiences.

So, what can we do to finally bridge this gap?

1. How parents talk becomes their child’s inner voice – Avoid giving labels to your child. The words ‘Never’, & ‘Always’ make the child feel helpless. Even if s/he wants to change, s/he wouldn’t because now s/he believes that “I am always on the phone and I never show any interest in studies”.
2. It is important to understand the needs of a teenager behind his words and actions. Instead of reacting to their choice of words, help them reframe their thoughts & feelings. For instance, if your child says how badly s/he wishes if you were not there in his/her life. They probably mean that they want more freedom or maybe more space. In such moments, take a time out (avoid using gadgets as a distraction. Use this time as a reflection time) and tell your child briefly to say “I need more space/I need more freedom” instead of saying harsh words to you.
3. Keep filling your cup with positive emotions – Do not depend on your child for love, attention & respect. As partners, a spouse should encourage one another. Talk to your friends, find a hobby and appreciate yourself for where you are in life.
4. Ask Honest Questions to open up a conversation with your child & not make him/her feel defensive – Teenagers may come up with the most unrealistic ideas because their frontal lobe (the region in the brain which is responsible for decision making) is still developing. In such situations, instead of making it an issue about the power of who is right and who is wrong, listen to your child’s ideas. Do not shut this expression of your child by simply shrugging your shoulders.
5. Don’t be in a state of denial. Many parents remain stuck in the “Our teenage time” phase and widen the gap between them & their teens. Change yourself with time in some small ways.
6. Start with understanding even if you don’t understand your teenager completely – You and your child are living in two different realities. For instance, if you find your child chatting when she should be studying then ask your child, honestly, why she is chatting. Try to be understanding of her reality, even if you don’t completely get it. Once you know what is going on, try using the Sandwich Approach: “I understand how difficult it is for you when you have a fight with one of your friends. I also know that you need to pass this test tomorrow. Let’s sit down and think of a good way you can manage your time tonight.”

I hope this blog would have given you some insights into how you would like to reflect upon and improve your communication with your teenager.