According to Oxford dictionary, scolding means “an angry rebuke or reprimand”. When our children don’t meet our expectations we reprimand them in different ways and the most common style is by pasting labels to their ‘Entity’.

We don’t want children to repeat any mistake and ‘always’ be on the right track. Screaming, lecturing & name calling may bring temporary obedience but it causes a lifetime damage where they not only become immune to your anger but they  start behaving like the labels you give them.

I was talking to a 15 year old girl, named Sonal (name changed) about proactive and empathic behaviour at home and she confidently mentioned that she does all of that. I was pleasantly surprised that Sonal already was practicing empathy with her parents.

“I know what I have to do when papa is upset. I empathize with him by standing in front of him, wait for his screaming, lecturing & shouting to finish and then I come back to my room and forget everything that he was saying and carry on with what I wish to do. See, it’s simple. When he is upset, let him scream”, said Sonal confidently.

I was curious to know how does she know if what she did was an act of ‘Empathy’, so I asked her “By doing what you did, how did you ensure that you understood your father because you did not even listen to anything he said, neither could you identify his feelings behind his anger and later you even forgot what he did”.

“What is there to understand in this? Every time he sees me watching TV, he gets angry and he starts yelling at me like I am not practicing piano, I don’t study, I will always remain a dumb person…. I am useless…I am this…I am that…. Also, why should I understand him when he is screaming at me” asked Sonal rightfully.

“Why do you think he says what he says and how does that make you feel?, I inquired.

This made Sonal think deeper and she requested for some time before she could respond.

“He might be feeling worried for my future but honestly, I feel rejected by him when he screams at me”, cried Sonal.

Be it ensuring the child’s regularity with studies or stopping your child from putting up pictures on social media, parents are always ready with negative labelling which has nothing to do with the child’s behaviour that you intend to correct.

Does this sound like a situation you are facing with your child?

Does your child seem to have lost meaning to anything you tell them?

You often question where did you go wrong and why your child disrespects you despite all the love you have for your child?

Parents have their own reasons to justify their actions towards their child who is not meeting parental expectations. Parents get hurt, helpless and frustrated and they discharge that out on the child. They feel that they get pushed by their children to behave in this manner.

To this I can say only one thing which I learnt many years ago – “All feelings are okay, but all behaviour is not okay”!

What should a parent do if not scold the child?

“Connection” should be the first response in virtually any disciplinary situation. It will not only help us deal with the problem at hand, but it will also make our children better people. These difficult moments are the times when a stronger connection can be formed between a parent and a child.

Of course, you love your kids and they also know it because they see you taking them for shopping or hugging them and watching movies together. But what about when tension and conflict arise? When we have incompatible desires and opinions? These moments are the real test. How we respond to our children when we are not happy with their choices – with loving guidance? With irritation and criticism? With fury and a shaming outburst? – will impact the development of our relationship with them and even their own sense of self.

Ignoring a child when they are upset is adding to their suffering. Many parents believe that it is okay for children to cry alone because this will teach them to become tough in life and face life challenges. Responding to and soothing a child does not spoil them– but not responding to and not soothing them creates a child who is insecurely attached and anxious. Spoiling on the other hand, occurs when parents create their child’s world in such a way that the child feels a sense of entitlement about getting their way, about getting what they want and when they want it. As parents, we want them to learn that they will get what they need even if they always can’t get what they want.

Connection may simply mean, acknowledging how they are feeling in that moment. A child’s need to connect is greatest in times of high emotions. It’s important for children to know that you would be on their side even when they fail or make a mistake. You would surely help them rectify the mistake but not by having a feeling of hate towards your children. Your children need to know that you wouldn’t abandon them.

It’s not too late, a connection can be established now also. If you see your child not feeling motivated for studies then take this as an opportunity to understand their challenges. Help them cope with the fear of failure and encourage them by not scaring them about a dark future but enabling them to welcome a brighter future.

One thing that always works with me is “The Timing”. I do not discuss studies when I see my child/student watching TV/playing a video game. I participate in the same activity that my child is involved in, in the moment. This tells my child that I respect their interest and studies are just one of the various activities in their life. Once they have shared what they were focused upon, I then enquire about what is their on my mind. This helps me have my child’s 100% attention and that dialogue is more effective and chances for conflict are very minimal. When my child says that they find studies boring or difficult or they are angry at their books then I don’t judge them. They are being honest! I try to understand the causes for these feelings and give them the few minutes and space to release their frustration. If I can help, I provide strategies. If I don’t have any helpful ideas then I don’t scream at them.

Do you have anything helpful to say to your child which will give them a stronger sense of self?

While the parents might think that their teenagers are fortunate to have healthy bodies, comfortable living, and so many other comforts in life, the teenager still experiences dissatisfaction in his/her life.

“What have I not given to him/her that s/he is all the time sulking, not studying, not eating, or slamming doors at me”, asks a typical parent of a typical teenager.

Adolescence is a phase of ‘Identity formation’ which takes a teenager through different phases such as an emotional roller coaster, confusion and complete chaos. In my experience of working with teenagers, I realized how their so-called illogical, risk-taking and demotivated behaviour are their ways to cope with their low self-esteem.

There are a lot of words misunderstood and even missed behind these everyday closed doors cold wars between a parent & a teenager. I play the role of bridging this communication gap. Therefore, I recently interacted with a group of parents of adolescents and asked them what helps them to have an open conversation with someone.

They shared the following traits of their confidants –

1. A curious listener, someone who wants to know about me.
2. A listener who puts my inner dialogue in an orderly fashion.
3. A calm listener whose energies calm me down.
4. A listener who doesn’t evaluate me and I don’t have to defend myself.
5. A listener I can trust, someone who can motivate me.
6. A listener who can provide a solution.
7. An objective listener and does not have any assumptions about me.
8. A listener who validates my feelings.
9. A listener with a calm voice, someone who is not in a hurry.
10. A listener who can empathize with me, someone who has gone through similar experiences.

So, what can we do to finally bridge this gap?

1. How parents talk becomes their child’s inner voice – Avoid giving labels to your child. The words ‘Never’, & ‘Always’ make the child feel helpless. Even if s/he wants to change, s/he wouldn’t because now s/he believes that “I am always on the phone and I never show any interest in studies”.
2. It is important to understand the needs of a teenager behind his words and actions. Instead of reacting to their choice of words, help them reframe their thoughts & feelings. For instance, if your child says how badly s/he wishes if you were not there in his/her life. They probably mean that they want more freedom or maybe more space. In such moments, take a time out (avoid using gadgets as a distraction. Use this time as a reflection time) and tell your child briefly to say “I need more space/I need more freedom” instead of saying harsh words to you.
3. Keep filling your cup with positive emotions – Do not depend on your child for love, attention & respect. As partners, a spouse should encourage one another. Talk to your friends, find a hobby and appreciate yourself for where you are in life.
4. Ask Honest Questions to open up a conversation with your child & not make him/her feel defensive – Teenagers may come up with the most unrealistic ideas because their frontal lobe (the region in the brain which is responsible for decision making) is still developing. In such situations, instead of making it an issue about the power of who is right and who is wrong, listen to your child’s ideas. Do not shut this expression of your child by simply shrugging your shoulders.
5. Don’t be in a state of denial. Many parents remain stuck in the “Our teenage time” phase and widen the gap between them & their teens. Change yourself with time in some small ways.
6. Start with understanding even if you don’t understand your teenager completely – You and your child are living in two different realities. For instance, if you find your child chatting when she should be studying then ask your child, honestly, why she is chatting. Try to be understanding of her reality, even if you don’t completely get it. Once you know what is going on, try using the Sandwich Approach: “I understand how difficult it is for you when you have a fight with one of your friends. I also know that you need to pass this test tomorrow. Let’s sit down and think of a good way you can manage your time tonight.”

I hope this blog would have given you some insights into how you would like to reflect upon and improve your communication with your teenager.

Why do teens slam doors on your face?

12

JANUARY, 2022

I recently interacted with a group of teenagers to understand what makes them sad and how they can gain control over their emotions. We figured out what really happens which makes them slam doors and stay isolated.

So many of them are actually bottling up emotions that get stored in the body & begin to affect different areas of their bodies such as heaviness in the chest, headache, teary eyes, weakness in knees, freezing, shakiness in the neck & restlessness.

When asked, with whom they share these feelings, most of them spoke of their friends, and a few mentioned with no one.

Why do they (teenagers) feel reluctant in sharing their feelings with their parents or a trusted adult?

This is because most of them didn’t know how to explain what is happening inside them. Even if they are so-called talkative teens with good vocabulary, they find it difficult to express their emotions. This results in abrupt reactions such as crying in the most unexpected time, laughing excessively, going blank, shutting doors, screaming, staying alone & isolated, which comes across as “negative behaviour” or “awkward bevahiour”.

“Parents won’t understand as they start to react back when we scream or get irritated. Sometimes they even laugh at us so it is better to not share anything with them because they won’t understand and instead start to give long lectures”, mentioned most of them in their worksheets ( a task given for the webinar) & during the webinar.

To help them understand and process their own emotional experience we discussed firstly how they talk to themselves about an event before they talk to anybody else.

It came to light that they speak in a pessimistic way where they feel that their parents ‘Never’ understand them, ‘Nobody’ wants to be their friend and ‘Everything’ looks doomed. When they gained this awareness that taking an experience personally, letting it impact all other areas of their life, and concluding the feeling they have as their destiny is a pessimistic way of living life, they felt in control of their emotions to some extent.

However, they unanimously felt it is difficult to think optimistically.

“It is better to think about disappointment & hold on to some amount of fear, because when something bad will happen then I will not be shocked”, said a grade 9 boy. At the same time, a grade 10 girl said “My parents keep telling me to focus on my studies. They are more scared than I am. They would often bring up the topic of high cut-off percentage. They would ask me to get down to studies as soon as my exams get over, so how can I become optimistic?” Besides academics, a grade 8^th girl shared “I choose not to speak, even though I am a talkative person, because I fear I will disappoint and irritate others. I don’t want to go wrong. I need to know what all can happen before I speak”. There were some quiet ones in the group who mentioned in their worksheets (a task for the webinar) that they experience social anxiety. “Yes, I fear being happy because every time I get happy after my good grades in one subject, I perform badly in all the others so I continue to stay in a fearful state and keep reminding myself of the bad score”, justified the girl from class 8^th.

When I asked them if they are talking about something that recently happened with them or they are carrying something from their past. Most of them agreed, it is their past experiences that still influence their present life experiences.

Phew! Looks like an emotional web, isn’t it?

So, to help them gain more control over their emotions and the situation we tried looking at separate events in their lives. After all, this was the main idea of this webinar. So we took an example from the group to decode how we start to form negative beliefs and continue to live in a vicious cycle of negative self-defeating thoughts.

This was the example of the girl who is currently studying in grade 10^th.

“My parents scold me when I don’t study which means they don’t want me to enjoy. Every time, I finish my exams and get a good score they would tell me to start studying again. I feel angry, sad & hurt. This clearly means I should not enjoy life & as a result, I am cranky”.

All the other teenagers became quiet after listening to this. They could probably relate to it. Someone suggested including parents too in her celebration. The others said to take help from the extended family who can explain to her parents to let her enjoy & celebrate. The girl kept nodding and gave a conclusive remark “They will never understand and I know it”.

So, I asked her if the parents scold her for enjoying or for not studying. She said, “for not studying”. So, what happened with you and what you said to yourself are completely unrelated. Isn’t it? I asked. “Yes,….but….”, she wasn’t convinced and wanted to prove how her parents are blocking her joy. So I asked her to list down the ways her parents celebrate life with her, her birthday, her result, weekends, and holidays. She had a long list to share. But, still, she seemed to be not convinced. Obviously, she has spent most of her life believing that she should not enjoy life so it is difficult to break this belief! So, I then asked her if her parents are aware of the ways in which she is putting in efforts in her studies, does she talk about her career goals with her parents, do they see her studying in her room, taking initiative for her own study schedule, does she avoid or show some interest in conversations about academics. She was unsure and when I asked her if she starts to show them her everyday involvement in her studies, maybe let them check her notebooks and reply to their worries about academics, would that still make them scold her for not studying? She thought about it and agreed to take part in discussions around academics too. I then asked her if she would like to reframe her belief and make it as “I balance enjoyment and studies in my life” instead of saying “I should not enjoy life”.

This was just one example to show teens how they can change their feelings from sad to happy, just by reframing and looking at their life events in more than one way.

We all have to challenge our way of looking at things. Just because we repeatedly say something about ourselves or our life, does not become the truth of the universe.

While it is important for each one of us to take responsibility for our own emotions but as parents, we need to be careful of how we talk to our teenagers because they feel helpless in front of you and all they do to gain control of the situation is to scream and say hurtful words or shut down.

I will be talking about how parents should talk to their teens in my next blog!

Thank you for reading it. I hope you enjoyed it.

By 

Prachi Srivastava

Overcome the Anxiety of being Adoptive Parents!

The second wave of Covid-19 left us feeling numb and disconnected from ourselves and the world outside. It has impacted our way of living and has put us in a zone of utter confusion. It is demanding and taking a toll on our physical, emotional, and financial aspects of life.

It has posed challenges for which we were never prepared. One of such challenges in front of us is that of raising children who have been orphaned by the disastrous wave of Covid-19.

Relatives from the extended families of the children who lost their parents have been given this unthinkable responsibility. While some are struggling with adjustment within homes there are some childless couples who now have a hope to have a family and they are happily adopting the children.

While this feeling of joy and having a child is like a dream come true but it has come with certain terms and conditions. The child and the new adoptive parents are finding it difficult to understand each other. There are multiple questions regarding the child’s present and future as well. One major question is that of “Acceptance”! Both the child and the new parents are going through a period of self-doubt. “Will I be accepted?”

So, to answer all your questions and help you come out of this feeling of uneasiness I have brought a few tips which I hope would help you take the next smallest step towards building a healthy relationship between you and the new member of the family.

1. Do not force the child to call you maa and papa instead be creative in finding areas of mutual interests to spend time together.
2. Build trust in your relationship with the child. Depending upon the age of the child, understand his/her needs and fulfill those needs (needs are different from wants). For instance, a child as young as 2 years old would need her physical needs of feeding, toileting, and play to be fulfilled. Similarly, if you have adopted a teenager then his/her needs could be related to forming an identity where s/he would want to practice hobbies, make friends, and need personal space. Once the child gains the confidence that s/he can depend on you, s/he will gain emotional stability in the relationship.
3. Welcome the new child to a new environment – set realistic expectations from self and the child – do not read too much into the child’s behaviour. Before you call it a family, start with a mental idea of calling it a ‘team’, and eventually after some time, team members would associate each other with names and respective roles in a family.
4. Let the child take his/her time to form a bond and relationship. S/he might choose some people over others. This behaviour should not be taken personally by those with whom the child does not mingle too much. Remember, we keep shifting the flavour of our relationship with people we have known for ages. Some bonds get stronger in adulthood. Be patient!
5. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone – drop the fear of judgment by others. Biological parents also take time to understand their child and they too seek guidance to shape their child’s life. No one becomes a perfect parent just by giving birth to a child.
6. Get over the hype about concepts like ‘Biological parent’, ‘Maternal Instincts’ etc. You get in touch with yourself and decide how you want to take care of the child, what games you want to play with him/her, what you want to watch on TV with your child, which books to read to your child. Focus on the activities to do with the child rather than thinking of people’s opinions of you as a parent. Even biological parents experience ‘Self-Doubt’.
7. Are you worried about how to handle emotional outbursts, tantrums, and anxiety in children and teenagers? In such moments, if you think you cannot be a parent, then be a friend. Listen to your child. Do not always put yourself under this pressure that a biological parent would have understood the child better. Remember, now, you are the caretaker for this child and if carrying the tag of a parent is heavy then wear the badge of a friend! Most importantly, do not rush in calming down the child. Let the emotions flow in tears and sometimes screaming too. Just make sure that the child isn’t physically hurting himself/herself during the emotional vent.
8. Managing physical and toileting needs can be difficult if you have never done that before. Either take help from your parents or someone who has been through this journey but do not panic or make faces if the child has soiled his/her clothes. If you are easy then the child is easy, if you are worried about toilet training or first periods of the child then the child will too get anxious. The child will mirror your emotions!
9. Be careful of the physical affection, not all children are comfortable and it’s okay. Slowly get into their physical boundaries. Do not force physical affection. Forcing yourself upon the child might result in hitting, biting, and scratching from the child’s end, especially if the child is still learning how to speak.
10. Do not repeatedly seek assurance from the child, do not make the child feel guilty if they are happy with you or not. Rather, smile more often at your child, talk about his/her school, interests, etc. The fact the child is expressing his/her needs to you indicates that the child is comfortable with you.

I think relationships don’t come with a name tag, instead, a relationship is a process and when it is built we give it a name. The same is with a parent and a child. So, open your fist and release your anxiety and feeling of being judged and simply form a relationship of playfulness and trust. Like any relationship, your child might want some time off you and seek personal space or s/he might want to explore the world by being engaged with a toy or your spouse but that doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent or the child doesn’t like you.

If you continue to feel worried then speak with a friend or seek professional help!

“I was never good at sports! I still remember my P.E lessons where the teacher would make us stand in a circle and one kid used to stand in the centre of the circle. The kid who is in the centre has to protect himself from the ball that the other children who were standing at the circumference were throwing at him. I know how bad I was at that game and many more games which we were made to play in the P.E lessons”, shared Anandita laughingly. Then her laughter faded and turned into confusion and dismay. She continued and asked me a question, “Why did they do this to me or any other child for that matter?”

How to Praise in an effective manner

“I used to feel very irritated and upset when my sports teachers used to praise me for my pathetic performance. They would say things like “Wow! Well-done! Great job” etc. I still don’t understand what was so great about what I did. Imagine, I used to get out easily, within a minute or two and still they would use words of praise for me. As if I can’t see what they were trying to do. I understand their intentions but their actions weren’t helpful at all”, said Anandita remembering her school days.

“There were some children with special needs in our class and when my sports teachers used to praise me then I used to feel they think I also have some kind of a disability that they are praising me in order to encourage me. But, the truth is that I used to feel discouraged and embarrassed in front of my classmates. My teachers could have simply stayed quiet instead of praising me in a fake manner”, insisted Anandita.

Many of us, probably, can relate to Anandita’s experience in the sport’s class. Some of us would support the teacher’s actions of trying to encourage the student who is struggling by exaggerating praise for them. At the same time, some of us would support the idea of effective praise.

Praise as per the definition given on google means ‘The expression of approval and admiration of someone or something’.

Anandita’s teachers were showing their admiration for her performance in sports class but she still felt disrespected, annoyed and sad. There could be different reasons for Anandita to feel like this, some of them possibly are –

1. She might have felt that her teachers expect her to perform that low/poor. They don’t think she can do any better than this.
2. Her teachers are saying the red lie by praising her.
3. Instead of pride, she felt her teachers are sympathizing with her.
4. She felt confused as she couldn’t understand what is she being praised for.
5. Her teachers weren’t honest with her and that could have disappointed her.

In such circumstances, how can teachers be honest yet encouraging so that the student feels appreciated and accepted respectfully and not a pitiful manner?

When you are praising a child then keep following simple pointers in mind –

1. Who are you praising? Take your child’s name.
2. What did you find praiseworthy in the child’s performance? Be honest.
3. Which specific words you can use to encourage the child? Choice of words matters.

An example of effective praise would be – “Daring participation Anandita! You were alert. How about being swift next time!”

If you have more time, then separately (or in a group depending on the child’s comfort) ask the child about what did he like about the performance and appreciate him for honest reflection.

Hope these simple and quick tips would help you encourage your students in a better manner and dissolve misunderstandings.

Most teenagers are now exposed to people worldwide which uncovers the whole wide world of different cultures, lifestyles, ideologies and various day-to-day practices.

Is it good or bad?

Not sure, until you find your teen getting absorbed by the online world of friends and detesting the real physical world.

I asked a few teenagers about their increased interest in online friendship and they gave the following reasons for their attractions towards friends on the internet –

1. Most people online share similar interests and we don’t have to do any formalities. It is more comfortable and there is no pressure of how we are looking, what we are wearing etc.

2. We can disconnect from the conversation and leave the chat room as and when we feel like.

3. Our body is at ease, we are not feeling the pressure to be in a certain way all the time.

Online friends, Stay online ! 

4. The real life conversation becomes too stretched, mundane and meaningless. In online conversations, we stick to what we need and we close it once the matter is closed but with an offline conversation, we have to tolerate things that we can easily avoid in an online conversation. Eg, “If an online friend is saying something, in which one is not interested then one can easily go on to a new tab and do the stuff one likes while nodding or sending a few “hmm…okay…ya…” kind of messages. This behaviour is considered rude in a face to face conversation and we get to hear long lectures from family and others.

5. Offline friends are fine. We help each other with the homework part and exchange academic notes and that’s about it. We find online people more mature unlike offline classmates who are very childlike.

The world of the internet may seem all perfect. There is less responsibility. No one has any expectations of you and you may control the discussion as per your comfort.

1. Romantic – Most teenagers would find people from different schools or colleges as more appealing than the people they meet face to face. Online partners appear more attractive as they show the best side of themselves which is again a portrayal of their ideal self. A young teenager who suddenly starts to receive compliments and likes and admiration from so many strangers begins to feel that the online world is more comforting than the offline world where they face certain unpleasant interactions in the form of mean looks, mocking (largely based on preconceived notions stemming from low self-worth), judgmental comments etc. In an online platform what is being presented is all through a filter and hence teenagers like to give shape to their dream like love stories behind those masks and filters.

2. Gaming – Most teenagers are spending a lot of time either on social media sites or on gaming sites. Therefore, this has become their usual spot for socialization. Gaming platforms allow them to show their gaming skills, flaunt expensive gaming accessories to gain admiration and acceptance from their peers. Most of the teenagers would also mention that they have formed better friendships with their offline peers on a gaming platform. It is difficult to understand how much of real life they talk about as most of their conversation is about the latest gaming consoles, ranks in a game, showing off their gaming room and live streaming.

3. Confidants – At home, teenagers start with the ‘shutting the room’ syndrome and they begin to isolate themselves from the others. This happens because they begin to feel as if they are different from the others. Their feelings, ideas, thoughts and how they wish to lead their life are all different and no one in their physical world would understand it the way people online do. Online friends seem to be non-judgmental and encouraging of their ideas. This is not a coincidence! Sharing these feelings online doesn’t demand much physical effort. The comfort and identification with each other are so strong that the trust begins to build stronger with each interaction made online. They find a sense of belongingness and acceptance. What the teens don’t realize is that there is a high possibility that this person whom they met online could be just mirroring their emotions and not empathizing with them. That person might be just agreeing to everything they share and unknowingly giving them approval for who they are. As most of these friendships are based on weaker foundations, sometimes these online friendships dissolve abruptly, leaving the teen feeling empty, lonely and abandoned.

4. Activists – As most teenagers are in a stage of forming new identities, they think of ways to change the world’s problems or at least talk about them on the internet by sharing posts and showing support for the cause. This gives them some purpose in life. They start to find people in the real world doing all the bad things and people online are all good as they are supporting the cause with just one click on their mousepad.

5. Celebrities/Followers – Teens follow influencers and get deeply influenced by the lives of these YouTubers and famous personalities. These influencers become the focus of the teens’ mind. Sometimes they are mocked by their family and offline friends about their online crushes and whom they follow on social media. Teens take these influencers so seriously that it impacts their lives drastically. They may become quiet, cry silently if their influencer is in some kind of trouble, obsessively daydream about these personalities and sometimes even harm themselves physically to show the extent they are impacted by their influencer.

There is one thing in common in all these 5 types of friendships which highlights the human need for acceptance and wherever our teens find “acceptance” they get attracted to that platform.

So what is exactly happening in the real world that is pushing the teens to seek comfort online? Is the real world really bad and challenging in comparison to the online world? Are teens facing more self-esteem and low confidence related issues that they find it easy to resort to online mediums for warmth and love? Or are we pushing them towards the online world as we don’t have much time to spend with our young teenagers?

Helping Children Cope with ‘Big Feelings’

We like to see happy children but like adults, children also feel other emotions such as sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy etc. Unfortunately, when children’s emotions come into action and each day these emotions grow and become big, we start calling our children as ‘Problematic’.

If a child cries for too long or at the drop of a hat, we label him as a ‘cry baby’.

If a child throws things or screams, we label him as a ‘cranky child’.

If a child refuses to follow instructions, he becomes an ‘ill-mannered’ child in the eyes of everyone.

If a child does not want to try out a new thing, he is called a ‘fearful’ child.

The list can go forever…

When these children grow up and become adults, they get new but similar labels such as ‘emotional’, ‘aggressive’, ‘defiant’ and ‘panicky’ etc. It is surprising that we conveniently accept these labels when we become adults and we often say “Now, we don’t have the time to go back into our childhood and undo what happened to us’ or ‘Now we are fine the way we are but we don’t want our kids to face the same problems as we did, we want them to become happy people and not problematic’.

If this is what we want for our children then we have to start listening to them and understand the reasons behind their tears, anger and fear.

Listen to the feelings behind your child’s behaviour!

There is a difference between listening to children and suppressing their voices. Some people quiet their children by giving them gadgets, toys, food or providing a baby sitter and some people would shut their children’s voices by emotional drama; they would show anger and the child would get frightened to speak up or some adults would start crying in front of their children and give them guilt for a lifetime where they start believing that they should not express their emotions as it makes other people sad or angry.

1. Do not label the child, simply label the child’s feelings – Instead of saying “Stop crying over small things”, define the child’s emotions and say “You are feeling sad because….” This simple way of communication teaches children to identify their own emotions and they learn to express them well. Remember, a problem well stated is a problem half solved!

2. Pick up opportunities to talk to children about their feelings – Do not drop the matter by saying “Oh he’ll be fine in a few days”. Tell your children some feelings come & go easily and some may stick with us for too long and become big. You can help them revisit the moments where they coped with a feeling quickly so that they know they have the capability to cope with their emotions. However, with certain episodes, some feelings stay on a little longer and fade away as children talk about it which helps them move towards healthy coping. Remember, tough times don’t last, but tough people do!

3. No Feelings are not good or bad – Allow children to experience all sorts of emotions such as feeling defeated, jealous, joyful, greedy, hurtful, regretful etc. When you give labels to feelings as good or bad, the child starts to give those labels to himself and starts to think that he must be a bad person to feel angry or defeated and he must be a good person just because he is always happy. Help your children find healthy means to cope with different emotions. Remember, all feelings are okay but all behaviour is not okay!

4. Teach your children to give closure to the day – We have to give closure to each and every episode or emotion before going to bed. It is the end of the day and so to the feeling. If your child wants to forgive someone, talk to someone to resolve a problem or he is being impatient, whatever the feeling your child is experiencing, try and talk about it and help him give closure to it so that he can start a fresh day next morning. Remember, to heal a wound you have to stop touching it!

5. Be a role model – Your children would see your actions and would use the same problem solving strategies when they are feeling stuck. If you can identify your own emotions, talk about them with your family, give closure to your feelings and not carry them the other day or many days after the episode has occurred then your children too would learn the same. After all, children are great imitators so give them some great things to imitate!

6. Seek help from a professional – Visiting a psychologist can be difficult because of various reasons, such as, parents might feel that their issues would get highlighted, there is a social taboo about visiting a counsellor or it could simply be a state of denial where a parent might think that his/her child can never have any problems where s/he has to see a mental health professional. So, to make your life easy I would like to tell you that the children who visit me regularly have given me a simple name, they call me a ‘feeling teacher’ because no one has to suffer in silence when they can talk and feel understood in a safe place.

I hope these few simple steps and important reminders would help you in preventing from making small feelings big and break the web of big feelings.

Feel free to contact me to discuss your child’s feelings

Write to me at prachi@stapoo.in  and for appointments call at – 9871381259