Overcome the Anxiety of being Adoptive Parents!

The second wave of Covid-19 left us feeling numb and disconnected from ourselves and the world outside. It has impacted our way of living and has put us in a zone of utter confusion. It is demanding and taking a toll on our physical, emotional, and financial aspects of life.

It has posed challenges for which we were never prepared. One of such challenges in front of us is that of raising children who have been orphaned by the disastrous wave of Covid-19.

Relatives from the extended families of the children who lost their parents have been given this unthinkable responsibility. While some are struggling with adjustment within homes there are some childless couples who now have a hope to have a family and they are happily adopting the children.

While this feeling of joy and having a child is like a dream come true but it has come with certain terms and conditions. The child and the new adoptive parents are finding it difficult to understand each other. There are multiple questions regarding the child’s present and future as well. One major question is that of “Acceptance”! Both the child and the new parents are going through a period of self-doubt. “Will I be accepted?”

So, to answer all your questions and help you come out of this feeling of uneasiness I have brought a few tips which I hope would help you take the next smallest step towards building a healthy relationship between you and the new member of the family.

1. Do not force the child to call you maa and papa instead be creative in finding areas of mutual interests to spend time together.
2. Build trust in your relationship with the child. Depending upon the age of the child, understand his/her needs and fulfill those needs (needs are different from wants). For instance, a child as young as 2 years old would need her physical needs of feeding, toileting, and play to be fulfilled. Similarly, if you have adopted a teenager then his/her needs could be related to forming an identity where s/he would want to practice hobbies, make friends, and need personal space. Once the child gains the confidence that s/he can depend on you, s/he will gain emotional stability in the relationship.
3. Welcome the new child to a new environment – set realistic expectations from self and the child – do not read too much into the child’s behaviour. Before you call it a family, start with a mental idea of calling it a ‘team’, and eventually after some time, team members would associate each other with names and respective roles in a family.
4. Let the child take his/her time to form a bond and relationship. S/he might choose some people over others. This behaviour should not be taken personally by those with whom the child does not mingle too much. Remember, we keep shifting the flavour of our relationship with people we have known for ages. Some bonds get stronger in adulthood. Be patient!
5. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone – drop the fear of judgment by others. Biological parents also take time to understand their child and they too seek guidance to shape their child’s life. No one becomes a perfect parent just by giving birth to a child.
6. Get over the hype about concepts like ‘Biological parent’, ‘Maternal Instincts’ etc. You get in touch with yourself and decide how you want to take care of the child, what games you want to play with him/her, what you want to watch on TV with your child, which books to read to your child. Focus on the activities to do with the child rather than thinking of people’s opinions of you as a parent. Even biological parents experience ‘Self-Doubt’.
7. Are you worried about how to handle emotional outbursts, tantrums, and anxiety in children and teenagers? In such moments, if you think you cannot be a parent, then be a friend. Listen to your child. Do not always put yourself under this pressure that a biological parent would have understood the child better. Remember, now, you are the caretaker for this child and if carrying the tag of a parent is heavy then wear the badge of a friend! Most importantly, do not rush in calming down the child. Let the emotions flow in tears and sometimes screaming too. Just make sure that the child isn’t physically hurting himself/herself during the emotional vent.
8. Managing physical and toileting needs can be difficult if you have never done that before. Either take help from your parents or someone who has been through this journey but do not panic or make faces if the child has soiled his/her clothes. If you are easy then the child is easy, if you are worried about toilet training or first periods of the child then the child will too get anxious. The child will mirror your emotions!
9. Be careful of the physical affection, not all children are comfortable and it’s okay. Slowly get into their physical boundaries. Do not force physical affection. Forcing yourself upon the child might result in hitting, biting, and scratching from the child’s end, especially if the child is still learning how to speak.
10. Do not repeatedly seek assurance from the child, do not make the child feel guilty if they are happy with you or not. Rather, smile more often at your child, talk about his/her school, interests, etc. The fact the child is expressing his/her needs to you indicates that the child is comfortable with you.

I think relationships don’t come with a name tag, instead, a relationship is a process and when it is built we give it a name. The same is with a parent and a child. So, open your fist and release your anxiety and feeling of being judged and simply form a relationship of playfulness and trust. Like any relationship, your child might want some time off you and seek personal space or s/he might want to explore the world by being engaged with a toy or your spouse but that doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent or the child doesn’t like you.

If you continue to feel worried then speak with a friend or seek professional help!

Most teenagers are now exposed to people worldwide which uncovers the whole wide world of different cultures, lifestyles, ideologies and various day-to-day practices.

Is it good or bad?

Not sure, until you find your teen getting absorbed by the online world of friends and detesting the real physical world.

I asked a few teenagers about their increased interest in online friendship and they gave the following reasons for their attractions towards friends on the internet –

1. Most people online share similar interests and we don’t have to do any formalities. It is more comfortable and there is no pressure of how we are looking, what we are wearing etc.

2. We can disconnect from the conversation and leave the chat room as and when we feel like.

3. Our body is at ease, we are not feeling the pressure to be in a certain way all the time.

Online friends, Stay online ! 

4. The real life conversation becomes too stretched, mundane and meaningless. In online conversations, we stick to what we need and we close it once the matter is closed but with an offline conversation, we have to tolerate things that we can easily avoid in an online conversation. Eg, “If an online friend is saying something, in which one is not interested then one can easily go on to a new tab and do the stuff one likes while nodding or sending a few “hmm…okay…ya…” kind of messages. This behaviour is considered rude in a face to face conversation and we get to hear long lectures from family and others.

5. Offline friends are fine. We help each other with the homework part and exchange academic notes and that’s about it. We find online people more mature unlike offline classmates who are very childlike.

The world of the internet may seem all perfect. There is less responsibility. No one has any expectations of you and you may control the discussion as per your comfort.

1. Romantic – Most teenagers would find people from different schools or colleges as more appealing than the people they meet face to face. Online partners appear more attractive as they show the best side of themselves which is again a portrayal of their ideal self. A young teenager who suddenly starts to receive compliments and likes and admiration from so many strangers begins to feel that the online world is more comforting than the offline world where they face certain unpleasant interactions in the form of mean looks, mocking (largely based on preconceived notions stemming from low self-worth), judgmental comments etc. In an online platform what is being presented is all through a filter and hence teenagers like to give shape to their dream like love stories behind those masks and filters.

2. Gaming – Most teenagers are spending a lot of time either on social media sites or on gaming sites. Therefore, this has become their usual spot for socialization. Gaming platforms allow them to show their gaming skills, flaunt expensive gaming accessories to gain admiration and acceptance from their peers. Most of the teenagers would also mention that they have formed better friendships with their offline peers on a gaming platform. It is difficult to understand how much of real life they talk about as most of their conversation is about the latest gaming consoles, ranks in a game, showing off their gaming room and live streaming.

3. Confidants – At home, teenagers start with the ‘shutting the room’ syndrome and they begin to isolate themselves from the others. This happens because they begin to feel as if they are different from the others. Their feelings, ideas, thoughts and how they wish to lead their life are all different and no one in their physical world would understand it the way people online do. Online friends seem to be non-judgmental and encouraging of their ideas. This is not a coincidence! Sharing these feelings online doesn’t demand much physical effort. The comfort and identification with each other are so strong that the trust begins to build stronger with each interaction made online. They find a sense of belongingness and acceptance. What the teens don’t realize is that there is a high possibility that this person whom they met online could be just mirroring their emotions and not empathizing with them. That person might be just agreeing to everything they share and unknowingly giving them approval for who they are. As most of these friendships are based on weaker foundations, sometimes these online friendships dissolve abruptly, leaving the teen feeling empty, lonely and abandoned.

4. Activists – As most teenagers are in a stage of forming new identities, they think of ways to change the world’s problems or at least talk about them on the internet by sharing posts and showing support for the cause. This gives them some purpose in life. They start to find people in the real world doing all the bad things and people online are all good as they are supporting the cause with just one click on their mousepad.

5. Celebrities/Followers – Teens follow influencers and get deeply influenced by the lives of these YouTubers and famous personalities. These influencers become the focus of the teens’ mind. Sometimes they are mocked by their family and offline friends about their online crushes and whom they follow on social media. Teens take these influencers so seriously that it impacts their lives drastically. They may become quiet, cry silently if their influencer is in some kind of trouble, obsessively daydream about these personalities and sometimes even harm themselves physically to show the extent they are impacted by their influencer.

There is one thing in common in all these 5 types of friendships which highlights the human need for acceptance and wherever our teens find “acceptance” they get attracted to that platform.

So what is exactly happening in the real world that is pushing the teens to seek comfort online? Is the real world really bad and challenging in comparison to the online world? Are teens facing more self-esteem and low confidence related issues that they find it easy to resort to online mediums for warmth and love? Or are we pushing them towards the online world as we don’t have much time to spend with our young teenagers?